The Hero Wins Bermuda Classic 2006

40 Muschamp Road, East Dulwich - 20 Jun 2006
Dress: Robots

Your handy guide on how to be proper R.O.B.O.T. and that.

Firstly, some inspiring lyrics from our sponsors, Goldie Lookin’ Chain:

Binatone Spectrum, Pacman, Commodore
ZX-81, donkey kong, fucking high score
Push it to the limit, couldn't push it any more
Wanna be a fucking robot after smoking loads of draw

Bought a speak and spell, stuck it to my chest
And wraps some fucking TIN FOIL to my head and to my vest
Walking down the street, my next door neighbours not impressed
I'm a robot and buying ten fags is my quest
Eggsie's gone too far, he thinks he's robocop
He's covered in tinfoil and he's got matching metal socks
We tried to sedate him but he fucking escaped
The man robot myth starts to escalate

He tries to sell himself standing in curries
But if the police turn up, he runs in a fucking hurry
He tries to plug himself in the mains with his nob
And when he's fully recharged he goes out on the rob


Half man, half machine
What does it mean?
What does it mean?

Half man, half machine
What does it mean?
What does it mean?

Being a robot in my digital domain
Enter my world, feel my pain
I'm not like other people you might see or you might know
I made love to a BBC micro
Touching on the disk drive, the monitor got hot
I knew from then, I was a motherfucking robot
Bill Gates from Microsoft, Stephen Hawking's voice
And fucking Lara Croft

I built a lab, secret in my loft
And built a special costume that would help me to jack off
I sat there in front of the screen
For many years, this had been my wet dream
Now I've reached it, I'm finally there
Like terminator being filmed in Aberdare
So alone, when people stop and stare
Like C3PO but with pubes and hair

Robot Love
Robotic Breakdancing

The doctors found a nut
They said he was an headcase
'cos he sticks silver and cans on his face

Sucking off antennas and trying to fuck the fridge
And burnt his pubic wig, with the high voltage

I am a robot
My prime directive is to's go to's the shops
And buy's ten fags
Do's you's compute?

He wants to buy ten fags, his destination is the shops
A tinfoil suit and a hat like Robocop
If your ask him then he'll do a bodypop
Like terminator, yeah he just won't stop

Put electrical cable down through the eye of his cock
Plugged it in the wall and gave himself a big shock
The reason that he did it wasn't to give himself pain
Watching Terminator over again and again

Fuck man, get him, fucking restrain him man
get him fucking, fucking get him down man
inject him man, get him down
He's fucking nuts spa and he's losing it
Help me man, just get him fucking....

Chorus (repeat to fade).

Next, some simple ‘dos’ and ‘don’ts’:

  • Do try and put at least a little effort in.

  • Don’t forget those all-important air holes.

  • Do remember that you’ll need your throwing hand free.

  • Don’t get mistaken for a parcel, especially in the vicinity of Post Offices.

  • Do try and locate a professional ‘mentor’.

  • Don’t forget: Robot. NOT Robotty.

  • Do please remember to pack that all important ‘under suit’.

  • Don’t make a lady robot. It could be the last we see of you.

  • Do remember that “oche dazzling” may result in a fine.

  • Don’t. Just don’t.

Next – a reminder not to aim too high. It’s all about the comedy.

  • Trying too hard…

  • Almost got it…

  • And there we go.

And finally - if this man doesn’t inspire you, nothing ever will.

The Rage Gets The Most Rendered and Wins The Jocky Award

Declan receives his lifetime achievement award for continual renderness.


Player in italics progressed into the next round (only corresponds to group games)

Group Round 1 - Terminator
The Hero
Smart Dart
El 8 Ball

Group Round 1 - Robocop
The Heatseeker
The Rage
Gav Musk
The Master

First Round
The Hero bt Smart Dart
The Hero bt El 8 Ball
The Hero bt Frankendart
Smart Dart bt El 8 Ball
Smart Dart bt Frankendart
El 8 Ball bt Frankendart
The Heatseeker bt The Rage
The Heatseeker bt Gav Musk
The Heatseeker bt The Master
The Rage bt Gav Musk
The Rage bt The Master
Gav Musk bt The Master

Semi Finals
The Hero bt The Rage
The Heatseeker bt Smart Dart

The Hero bt The Heatseeker

Players and Points

The Hero - 9 pts
The Heatseeker - 7 pts
The Rage - 5 pts
Smart Dart - 5 pts
El 8 Ball - 3 pts
Frankendart - 3 pts
The Master - 3 pts
Gav Musk - 3 pts